My Life | princesseanamia

My name is Princesseanamia, suffering from Eating disorders (Anorexia, bulimia), depression.

Here is my journey with this disease. I have been struggling with it for years and at this point, the recovery is not an considerable option.

Height : 177cm/5ft9

Current weight : 54.6kg/120lbs

BMI : 17,4

I am the kind of girl that basically had everything that she wanted in her life. Everything except one thing, happiness. Reaching my parents and my excpectations about my perception of perfection is killing me. If I could find the solutions about these problems I would be the happiest teenager on earth because I know that I am not the only one that is triggered by these thoughts, diseases etc, and that is why I wanted to share my story in order, maybe, to help some other people or at least make them (YOu) less alone. I do feel alone, all the time, no one knows about anything and that makes it even more complicated. My life has just became a lying game, truth, I am lying to myself about this fake perception of perfection, but also to everyone close to me. "Yes I already ate" "No I did not purge" "Yes I am Happy", everything is just lies. But for this website I promise one thing, the truth and only the truth.

Sunday 27th October - 04:59AM

First of all, to understand who I am, you must know that I am for now 3 months addicted to one of the painkillers I used to take for awful stomach ache. This painkiller is called Tramadol and is considered as an opioid medication. What it actually means is that it will give you the impression of being high after 30 minutes. I am addicted to that substance only for one reason : Because that is the only way I can be "happy" for a while. When I am taking it, I just feel like nothing is wrong and really have the feelings that all my problems are going away. For a while, how much I weigh, how much I ate, how much I hate myself is not significant and I don t care about anything but just breathing. And it felt soooo goooodd. Well during the night between the 26th and 27th I did not close my eyes for a second. As soon as i had this idea about creating this blog, I have not been able to stop. All the ideas were popping up. And then I looked at the time : 7:24AM, ouch....Anyway I was feeling so good that I did not stop typing, creating. I fell asleep at 12AM woke up at1:30PM continued the blog. Thanks to these drus I feel nauseous and consequently I am not hungry at all ! Seriously it is awesome. Yesterday was the first time since a long time that I did take on of these pills and when it was time for me to go to work I realised one thing : " I was Happy, High but Happy, I knew it was just a superficial happiness but still, I felt good, did not have to force myself to smile. For this day everything went perfectly well considering the fact that I slept 3 hrs and did not eat anything !!!! Paloma (my roomate) was in a bad mood dring the hole day because she gained weight. Ans Yes she is also on a diet but we don't play in the same playground, she still eats normally and does not binge/purge but she did change her eating habits so that is good. Well she was moody and did not say anything when I came back from work...Weird.

And now I am in my bed, high, typing on my mac at 4:56AM and I know that toomorow she's gonna say something about me on my compter that late/early. To conclude, I would say that I don't know what I am trly feeling, for now I am artificially happy and it is enough to make me gain some motivation for the next days. Hope toomorow I won't eat a thing.

Monday 28th October - 08:00pm

Weird feeling today, I only took 2pills instead of 3 and it kept me awake the hole night but I didn t feel that good.

I updated the website during te night trying to make as less noise as possible not to disturb Paloma that was sleeping next to. I also skyped with one of my friends from school, Laura. It has been three month that we are away from eachother and that is the first time that we skyped ! CRAZY because we used to be really close but i have the feeling that because of the distance we ar not close to eachother anymore. The skype went well she was happy about her life in London and everything and it felt like we had never had this cold between eachother, it was good but it reminded me that school restarts soon (3 months). I remember How bad I felt there, How AWFUL I felt there actually. I hope when I get back to scool, some of my "dark" feelings won't come back and that I will feel better but I am so anxious about coming back.

I came to bed at 7:30 AM feeling really really tired, slept, woke up, slept, woke up and then it was 17:30, time to go to work. 56,3kg on the scale today ! I felt soo happy for a minute but when I loose tat much weight I always am a bit anxious about if my parents (that are going to visit me in December will notice something or not. I really do not want to worry them. But still 56,3 is good but still not good enough for me. I felt so dizzy while I was getting ready to work that I broke my fast (48hrs) with two cereal bars.

Now work, work, work, my team at work annoys me so much. They are so hypocrite and unfair. I finished work a bit earlier like always, came back to my room, took my computer and went down to skype my parents. Everything went ok even if I was angry, don't know why. It was nice to talk to them. And then sleep, didn t want to take any pills tonight because I didn't want to sleep toomorow dring the hole day.

Tuesday 28th October - 23:29

A horrible feeling of being lazy today everything is too exhausting. Woke up at 11:30, this morning I was 55,7kg, wow i finally reached the 55 plateau,i am really happy about it but the weird feeling that i have is that i don t feel thin nore skinny at all and I should be,I still see myself as fat and bloated from everywhere, I hope I won t feel that way when I reach my 52kg target weight.

I woke up with a terrible headache this morning and hesitated for two minutes about binging or skip it but the vision of all this food that I would be able to eat....arhhh...of course I was going to binge. I put some clothes, went downstairs to the convenient store bought a lot of things and then went to the cafeteria, ordered 3 burgers, 3 french fries, 1 rigatoni with cream portion, 1 bakery and came back to my room. I realise that I fell the taste of food only at the beginning of the binge,afterwards it is just stuffing and gluttony. I ate the whole thing except the french fries and purged purged. Awful feeling but well....had to fo it anyway. I weighed myself afterwards 55.9, it is ok...but not good. I know that toomorow I won t have lost any weight. I took a shower, tidied my mess and relaxed a bit.

Paloma just came back from work and we went to the restaurant I only took green vegetables. Afterwards we bought the teas that I like so much (because they are low low calories) and came back. I was not in a good mood and did not feel like talking that much with Paloma and she noticed it but I don't care. Today was not my day that's it.

And it got worse at work, too much work, stephen(sort of my manager but does not deserve to be anything but just a simple employee) hates me and I HATE him as well, he only speaks to me to tell me that I did something wrong....I just don't want to work with him anymore. Everytime he is awful to me I think "oh anyway he is a fat ugly pig, he does not deserve your attention".

Luckyly, I am off toomorow, the best thing about being off is not the more free time that I get, it is the fact that I am not going to work and be with those awful people !

I know that toomorow will be a tricky day because Paloma only starts working at 7pm and I don't know when I am going to binge but I know that I will have to. I am starting to get anxious about it. The worst part is that I already know that toomorow won't be a good day because I ate too much today and I don t know what my weight will be toomorow considering my daily intake...

I am sorry I have not been here for three days. My two days off were as shit as I excpected. Awful I would even say. I basically did nothing except binging purging. I really have the feeling that i cannot enjoy my freetime anymore because the only thing that i am thinking of, is when will I be able to purge and binge and that s it. I'd rather work even if is exhausting because otherwise I binge and that is the only thing I do !

Well beside that I lost quite a lot of weight and I don't even know why because I didnot stop the binging and purging (in the end you gain weight because you still have some food left). But still I am really happy about my new weight 54.9kg/120lbs for the moment. But what s actually scary is that I know now that when I'll reach my goal weight I won't be happy with my image and I will have to go lower in any way.

I also have to go to the uniform office to change my uniform size because this one is becoming way too big. It's been the second time in three months that I am changing it which makes me honestly a bit proud of my progress.

I am also thinking about consulting a physician for him to prescribe me some tramadol (my drug in some terms) because that is the only thing that makes me forget a bit about the war in my head. I am gonna tell him a lie about some pain that I have and that I need to get these medicines (a bit like Dr House actually, the pills are the same vicodin = hydrocodon = tramadol). Even if I know it is bad for me, in the end "we are all addicted to something that takes away the pain" and I guess for me this is it.

Also I am hesitating about telling the doctor about my eating disorder because here they don't have any idea about my anorexia contrary to the doctors in France. It has been now 4 months that I don't have my period and even if i find that good (because it means that my body does not receive enough nutriments to work properly which is what I am looking for), I also think that I should check on my blood and potassium levels just to be sure that it is not alarming or anything else.

My days have not been that funny since my last update nore interesting for me to write a long long text about it. The only thing I can say is that I had a pretty much fun night for Halloween, and I actually was surprised that I could have some fun because usually when I go out to "please" my roomate paloma, I always want to go back home and sleep and do nothing. I don't know why this time was different.

Work is still boring I am always leaving and coming back to my room to smoke a cig. Paloma just announced me that she is going to be off for three days which is actually awful for me because I don't know when she'll be away for me to be able to binge. We'll figure it out later.

A quotes could actually describe really well how I am feeling right now : "That awful moment when you don't even know how you feel in the inside" I am not particularly sad but I still wanna cry, scream, yell because of all the pain that I have. I really have the feeling that no matter how many kilos I loose, or how much I try to feel better, I will never be able to be happy and this is kinda depressing because I am starting to stop believing in any kinds of recovery.

Saturday 2nd November - 23:00

Sunday 3rd November - 00:00

tired tired tired tired....I just want to sleep and that is it. Never wake up and sleep forever. Had a rough day today. Woke up => 14:00, 54.6kg not that good but okay. I instantly understood that Paloma was not gonna do anything today as usual actually. I cannot blame her because during my days off I am not doing anything either except the gym but still I knew that she was only gonna stay in bed and watch tv and this is kinda annoying for me because I cannot binge.

At 16:00 I was not able to hold it more and had to eat something, I then started eating the things that I had in the room, cereals, oreos, cookies, chocolate. She noticed that I was eating a lot (who wouldn t notice) and said "oh I guess you definitely want to gain weight with all the things you re eating right now", I did nt care at all I was just eating and trying to find a place where I'll be able to purge. After an hour of eating I decided that I would go to my gym/pool/spa place that is just across the street because I know that the restrooms are quite not busy and quiet. After the purge I have the strange feeling that I still have some left that I cannot take away but cannot do anything about it. I take a shower and come back home saying to Paloma that I just went to the gym and it was awsome. These moments are simply awfull, I basically feel like shit, having to go somewhere else just to purge. I just disgust myself so much. That is what the eating disorder makes you do, shit.

Still, now I have to get ready to go to work and pretend that I am all happy and gentle. OO by the way, Paloma did not move a finger dring the hole day, she stayed in bed watching shitty movies during the hole day. Work is actually ok, nothing bad, nothing wrong happens so it is ok. I just can't wait to get back to my room to sleeeeepppppp. Paloma ordered a club sandwich from the roomservice (yes I live in a hotel room with room service benefits which makes the binge temptation even worse) with fries (come on she says she on a diet and that's what she eats !!!!! but in another way I understand her because I know that the temptation is hard to control). O by the way today except the binge I did not eat a thing but I am afraid that this binge will make me gain....we'll see toomorow.

I am sorry for all the details in my diary notes but I promised myself that I would be 100% honest so....yeah being anorexic and bulimic is not glamorous at all, I can promise you that. Even if it is a fast way to loose weight in the beginning, it gets harder and harder after and all the "health problems" comes, digestion problem if you know what I mean, recurrent bloodtests and hospitals visits, the psychiatric and pschologic consultations are not funny. When I think about it I really don't think it's worth it but I really have the feeling that I am like a prisoner with this illness because even if I know that I am never gonna be happy living that unhealthy lifestyle I know that I am completely unable to detach myself from it. That is why we call it an addiction, I am just addicted to the "I've lost weight feeling", "I am falling asleep with an empty stomach feeling", "I can eat whatever I want (and as long as I purge I am not gonna gain a gram contrary to any other human being) feeling" and may other that I don't think of.